Quotes from an old roomate..

Man, I was cleaning my room today, and I found a couple of old sheets of paper that I had saved for about 5 years.. I had a roomate (I dont even remember his name anymore, I think it was mike or something but Im not sure), a film major, in college who was super-pessimistic and hated art school, but he was hilarious.. About every day he had some quote-worthy comments about class, TV, commercials, etc. After a while I started writing down the ones I could remember... Going back to read them, I'm surprised I remember the context of most of these, I still laugh at most of these, hopefully some of you do too... (there was another roomate we shared the dorm with, he was a white preppy kid from colorado who was into gangsta rap, some of these have to do with him)

- Telemarketer: "Vote on...."
- Roomate: "Sorry, I dont believe in voting, I don't believe in America"

- TV news article: "people can die"
- "Ooh, people can die?"

"I dont care about expanding my knowledge, I wanna expand my wallet"

-Broncos getting killed 34-10, coach is talking about his strategy
"See thats how I see the semester: I'm down by so many points, time is running out and I dont wanna get injured"

-Other roomate talking about how LOTR woulda been better if everyone got killed and Gandalf becomes ruler of the world: "This isnt the gangsta rap version"

-"Im a homeless kid who helps lawyers find a home" -tv commercial about a lawyer who helps homeless kid

-"yeah well, I had a good run.." -dying on the plane ride home

-tv interview - "kids know what peace is" - "Yeah right you see em fighting eachother"

-eating glue - "Acid-free, why not?"

-about some BS student film with footage of the city - soundtrack to explain it: "This is about the unification of koreeeaaa, dont be confused with the shortness of the filmmmmm"

-seinfeld vs friends - Jason Alexander: "He's a short fat bald guy, how much funnier can you get?"

-"there's a ________________ you can set your watch to"
-"You can __________________, but you can never defeat the Cobras" Those will be my dying words

-porn lumberjack - "anybody order some wood?"

- Girl with dental headpiece stuck in closet in Amityville Horror - "Why doesnt she take that thing out and pick the lock with it?"

-TV: "you dont win any super bowls by quitting"
- Thats why I havent won any super bowls... "Im done!"

- Not being able to use the Mac Lab because of his GPA: "How am I supposed to get my work done?" lab tech: "well, talk to Jesus about it"

"One time when I was a little kid I found a dead bird and I put it in a bag. I gave it to my mom for her birthday."

"I dont remember high school, I wasn't there enough"

"I wish I had bigger hands, so I could grab and squeeze someone's face"

-being a taxi driver - "I'll take you to wherever you wanna go, especially Hell"

"I never believe in Santa, why would I? Some slack-jawed yokel.."

"It's getting cold in herrre, so fuckin blow your nose......"

"The CIA put a chip in my brain, is that a good excuse?"

-"But I've been coming to class for 15 weeks"
"uh I only have you down for today.." "..what?"

"How come I sweat when I eat?"

In the Mac Lab - "Uh Lab Tech, my computer's not working"
lab tech - "Ah kid dont you know anything? Hold apple control alt drag z etc"
-"what about right click?"
lab tech - "What the fuck's a right click?"

"Wait he's got a mullet, he's cool"

"when it's a test I got a 50/50 shot, when it's a project I got no shot"

- Batboys getting hit - "Thats why they have to be cyborg - Here-is-your-bat"

-"That's the first thing I'm teaching my niece when I go home, how to give the finger.. 'This is all you need to know for life..'"

"I wish I had no teeth"

- (He hates paul schaeffer from Letterman) - telling a story about a guy that tripped and fell in front of him and trashed his cell phone, and how he laughed his ass off: "It woulda been funnier if it was Paul Schaeffer and he got attacked by squirrels.."

-other roomate: "you sure hate gandhi dont you?"
-him: "What dont I hate?"

-"I need to get a hunting license, so I could kill animals. I'l mail you one!"

-Denzel started acting in college because he was bad at everything else: "Just like me!"
other roomate:"you can be the next denzel"
-"first I'll paint myself black"

"I'll just wait for the magical project fairy to come fix it while I sleep"

"Free at last, free at last, now I can throw away all this shit, I didnt pass..."

(about his scratched up desk) - "yeah right, they'll probably charge me a million dollars, 'It's made of 100% recycled homeless people'"

-"when I was little I always wanted a chia pet"
-"why dont you ask for one this year?"
-"cuz they're stupid"

-Missing his 5:30 AM shuttle, not sure if they were coming back: "great, now I'm stuck here forever.. I hope you got an extra box for me to live in"

"Its gang related, call in Tupac"